Ennui

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me these days. Maybe it's winter, and the fact that it's been perpetually cold and/or rainy since Christmas. Maybe it's the mounting stack of rejection slips I am collecting, breeding on my doubts and fears. I can't quite pinpoint the cause, but the effect has been staring at a blank screen for days. I've written several sketches for stories, but nothing is going anywhere. The fact that I'm not writing has started breeding a low grade panic in me as well, which in turn contributes to trying to force myself to create something. Deep down I know that there is no such thing as forcing creativity, but the fact is, I need to sell something - I need to start making money at this profession, or it won't be a profession for very long.

Apparently, I'm not the only one having this problem. Wil Wheaton and Elizabeth Bear seem to be having the same sorts of troubles. Luckily for them, however, they have deadlines and agents/editors on their backs. I have nothing but my own motivation, which has not been very active for the last couple of weeks.

One bright spot. Yesterday I got out of the house and started driving. I have always loved to do that, just riding around, listening to music and thinking by myself. And for those few moments, it worked. Stuff started flowing again, as if I'd turned on a tap. Sadly, I had places to go and shit to do, so not much came of it, but it gave me hope.

Therefore, the new plan is GTFOOTH, otherwise known as Get the F__ Out Of The House. I'm going to pack up my laptop and go somewhere. Anywhere. Ride around. Stop at a coffee shop and work with no distractions for a couple of hours. I think that by staying home all the time, the first Law of Procrastination comes into play. It's a sad day when I keep up with the laundry around this place, but right now there's not a dirty towel in the house.

Yeah, I need to get outta here.

18 January 2008